What is Self-Quality time?

I am currently typing at my favorite café, the Starbucks located in Sanlitun. This branch is spacious, making it a popular spot on weekends. However, it’s also great for people-watching, reading, and brainstorming ideas for my next article.

This weekend was the first I spent without F's company. I felt worried, anxious, and nervous when I first heard the news that she was relocating to Shenzhen for her new job. While I still have several close friends and family members in Beijing, we don’t meet up regularly, and I don’t feel as deeply connected with them as I do with F. However, the weekend passed smoothly, and I was neither as planless nor as motionless as I had imagined. Instead, I enjoyed my time. On Saturday, I woke up around 11 a.m., ordered my favorite porridge for takeout, and headed to Sanlitun.

I can assure you that almost six years ago, when I first went abroad for my studies, I was incredibly introverted and closed off, which made it very difficult to do anything on my own. Activities like eating, shopping, studying, watching a film, sitting in a café, and enjoying quality time alone were completely out of the question because I couldn't imagine what it would be like to do those things by myself.

But look at me now—I actively carve out time for myself, apart from work and social commitments. I still can't pinpoint exactly what has changed me, but one thing I am certain of is that doing things alone doesn’t mean you are isolated from society or shutting yourself off from the outside world. In fact, having some solitude has proven to be one of the best ways for modern corporate workers to recharge. During this time, you are in control of everything; you have the freedom to make decisions without compromise or negotiation. On weekends, if I don't have plans with friends, I usually choose the chicest outfit that embodies "glamour, confidence, trendiness, and charisma." Then, I listen to my favorite playlist through my earphones, which deliver the most energetic lyrics and rhythms directly to my brain, instantly energizing my body and elevating my emotions. I always feel like a walking diva on the street—cool but irresistible.

When I dress like the leading character in fashion movies, such as The Devil Wears Prada, hustling through crowds and traffic on my way to Ralph Lauren, Calvin Klein, and Adidas—my favorite brands—to check out their newest collections, the only thing I’m missing is a hot cup of latte from Starbucks. This Starbucks branch located in Sanlitun is unsurprisingly packed on weekends. I had already ordered online, so I leaned against one of the ivory-white pillars, waiting for my coffee. People rushed in and out, and I barely glanced up to check out the new customers, even though people-watching is one of my favorite activities. Compared to summer, I’m not a fan of winter, especially because those fluffy layered sweaters and jackets make me feel unfashionable and mediocre. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed several men checking me out while I stood there scrolling on my phone. I’ve grown accustomed to such seemingly inadvertent attention from strangers, and I appreciate the unspoken compliments and admiration, whether it’s for my looks or my style.

After getting my coffee, I pushed the door and walked straight to the RL next to it. My fashion tastes, specifically my criteria for brands, quality, and price, have evolved significantly since my freshman year. Don’t get me wrong; I still embrace fast fashion, but I also care about what a piece of clothing represents when colleagues or people in my social circle see me in it. It could signify class, wealth, social status, financial ability, or fashion sense. For me, this emphasis reflects a complex blend of self-recognition and self-worth.

Sitting at Lokal, sipping my cup of latte, my thoughts began to wander to some TV lines. The other day, I was watching Sex and the City, and a conversation between Carrie and Miranda strongly resonated with me. Carrie commented that Miranda is so judgmental that she dismisses people at the first sign of imperfection. However, everyone makes mistakes, and not everyone is as strong as Miranda. I felt completely overwhelmed by this harsh criticism. I am exactly Miranda. There is nothing wrong with being a perfectionist, but it can narrow my possibilities for connecting with different people, values, perspectives, and aspects of life. Since I have already touched upon this subject, I decided to dig deeper. I have a double standard when it comes to perfection. I don't mind making friends with anyone, but I do have specific criteria for choosing a date. I enjoy challenging new cuisines, but I have certain requirements for a restaurant's ambiance and culinary presentation. I don't mind purchasing no-name brands, but I have strict standards for their cutting and style. I don't mind taking a job for which I may be overqualified, but I am not pleased if the work environment and daily tasks only present physical challenges rather than intellectual ones.

After reflecting on the idea that "not everybody is perfect because people make mistakes," I decided to remind myself to be more open-minded and less judgmental, especially in dating scenarios. Recently, I matched with a guy who is 178 cm tall, which is definitely not my ideal height. However, I kept reminding myself to focus more on his writing expertise since I am also writing a blog, which could lead to engaging conversations.

I was impressed by his blog profile, which features brief, poignant, and humorous reflections drawn from his life experiences. I asked him for advice because, as a non-native English speaker, I often struggle with my language structure—such as poor word choice, redundant sentences that fail to get to the point, and the use of overly chatty phrases—which may make my blogs less engaging and accessible.

One important piece of advice he gave me was, "Don't worry about if it's chatty. Getting it out on paper is the hardest thing. It's going to be rough the first time, or even the first hundred times. Just try to write like you speak, with no filter." I must admit, I now see him more as my writing mentor or coach rather than a potential date.

From this new perspective, I've come to accept his "flaw" in height, which no longer concerns me. This shift in mentality opens up more possibilities: I now prioritize recognizing a person's shining qualities first. This isn't to say we should ignore obvious red flags, but rather to be more accepting for richer life experiences and broader horizons.

Pausing my thoughts on this subject, I quickly shifted my attention to another topic. I have no idea how many times I’ve mentioned that I am a spontaneous and planless person. I have also read and collected numerous "chicken soup" articles emphasizing the importance of journaling, reading, and meditating. Don’t get me wrong; I love writing and appreciate the power of words to express a person's deepest and most mysterious thoughts better than any other form of communication. However, I must admit that if I haven’t opened the editing page and started typing in a while, I feel engulfed by guilt and remorse for not strictly adhering to the so-called "healthy and life-changing" routines.

Recently, I bought a Chinese magazine, Breathe, which features a wonderful collection of short stories. One article, 过度追求幸福 (Overpursue the Happiness), particularly resonated with me. In it, the author discusses how happiness has become a lucrative business, complete with endless lists and goals that make people feel guilty if they haven’t set aside time for meditation or cultivated a journaling habit. When they encounter similar social media posts or articles promoting the benefits of these practices, the guilt and remorse only intensify. The author suggests that the key to dealing with life's challenges is finding our own inner balance. We all have a self-care toolbox filled with those recommended habits like meditation, journaling, reading, and self-affirmations. The real takeaway here is that we don’t need to rely on every tool all the time. What matters is knowing when to choose the right one for the moment. This epiphany really struck me. It made me realize that inner balance isn’t about sticking to one routine or practice. Sometimes, I’ll spend hours reading and jotting down my thoughts, and other times, it’s all about lying in bed, binge-watching my favorite Netflix series. It's all about knowing what I need in each moment, and that has truly changed the way I approach my own well-being.

Stepping out of the restaurant, I felt incredibly content, not just because I had the best meal, but because my mind had just witnessed one of the most intense and enlightening cross-conversations from different perspectives. In the past, I never really paid much attention to the importance of self-dialogue when I was by myself. But now, I’m adding it to my To-Do list.

There are so many ways to spend quality time with yourself—shopping, reading, sleeping, cooking, journaling, people-watching in a park, catching up with an old friend, and so on. But don't forget to carve out time for your own mental well-being. Make space for self-dialogue, where you deeply explore your thoughts, confusions, ideas, emotions, and wonders. You’ll be amazed at how many small, yet meaningful moments you’ve overlooked until you take the time to truly reflect.