HBD To Me: Getting Older, but Living and Thinking Younger!

December 11th—today is my birthday! Yes, I am getting a year older. I don't know if it's just me, but many people seem to dread or even fear birthday celebrations after turning 25. Before 25, I was excited for my birthday because I was too naive to understand what lay ahead. After 25, each birthday feels like a cruel and silent reminder that I am getting older without having achieved much—whether in my career, relationships, social status, wealth, or even health.

As a ritual, I take time to reflect on the past year. This year marks a significant transition from my campus era to my career chapter. I can't help but wonder: as a spontaneous and free-spirited person, I rarely make future plans or engage in self-reflection. Yet, in this past year, am I any closer to my ideal version of life or to my ultimate life goal, even though I don't fully know what that is? In order to make this self-reflection seem genuine and official, I will break it down into five sections: job, relationship, self-growth, friendship, and self-growth.

**Job**

I did not record much about my challenging job-hunting journey here, but if I had to summarize one of the darkest and most anxious periods of my life in a few phrases, I would describe the nearly seven months I spent "unemployed, sponging off my parents, waking up at noon, and going to sleep after midnight." This experience made me realize what it means to live like a parasite. The positive side was that I didn't have to worry about putting food on the table for my family, nor did I have to endure workplace pressure. However, the downside was that I began to find comfort in a calm, flat, monotonous, colorless lifestyle. For a 26-year-old woman, a life devoid of passion, ambition, challenges, or direction—focused only on ease, leisure, and predictable routines—became tedious and deeply unsatisfying.

Fortunately, I eventually found a relatively satisfying job in the digital advertising industry, which is highly relevant to my major. It meets almost all my criteria for a job: work-life balance, a welcoming and liberal work environment, decent benefits, and a generous boss. However, every coin has two sides. This is a job that, in today's competitive employment market, thousands of people would be eager to have. For an ambitious businesswoman like me, though, it feels a bit too idle. Unlike Chinese-owned corporations or large tech companies, one of the defining features of foreign companies like mine is that each position is specifically tailored to the employer, as well as the number of projects and clients handled each quarter. In this sense, as a newcomer, I do not have much freedom or ownership to steer an independent project; instead, I find myself constantly shadowing senior colleagues.

In the past six months, there have been countless times when I felt lost, disoriented, motionless, and underappreciated. I consulted my work bestie, an approachable, intelligent, insightful, and kind individual with over seven years of work experience. What I love most about her is that she taught me to always see the bright side of each "meaningless errand" I am assigned to. For example, arranging a summer party for the whole office may seem to fall under administrative duties, but the lessons I learned from managing such an activity are invaluable: activity management, budget control, understanding and adjusting to everyone's preferences and requirements, and building trust and reliability with my boss by successfully executing important events. There was also a time when I impulsively reached out to HR professionals and sent out my resumes on LinkedIn to explore so-called "fulfilling and accomplished" positions that matched my expertise and capabilities. I had several interviews within two weeks, which made me feel confident as I realized my market value exceeded my expectations. Sadly, I did not progress to any final interviews, leaving me feeling extremely discouraged and depressed once again. However, I came to realize that I needed to think positively about this setback. First, even though the outcome was frustrating, I received many interview invitations, which provided a great opportunity to evaluate the job market in this industry. I learned what talents current major companies are seeking, identified the updated skill sets I lack, and gained valuable industry knowledge from conversations with employees from different companies. Second, I needed to rethink my decision. Did I truly want to change jobs, or was I simply looking to escape my current difficulties? Once I answered this question, I regained my rationality and recognized that there is still so much I have yet to learn from my current company. It would be cowardly to jump ship in hopes of escaping the dilemmas I face now; such issues will not simply disappear in a new environment. My reluctance to engage in what seemed rudimentary and futile has been the vital stumbling block distorting my career values and perceptions. Importantly, I have learned not to make reckless decisions when controlled by emotions, whether from anger, sadness, overwhelming joy, or desperation. It's essential to take a step back, talk to a wise friend, and then return with a clearer perspective—something for which you’ll ultimately thank yourself.

**Romantic relationships**

When it comes to romantic relationships, I often feel ambivalent and indecisive. On one hand, it's not my current life priority. On the other hand, during significant moments—especially big holidays and cold winters—I find myself wishing I had a boyfriend to share those experiences with. I keep telling my friend that I want a relationship where we don’t have to be together all the time; I’d prefer to see each other only when I want to. This arrangement would spare both of us from drama, arguments, compromises, and negotiations. My friend just rolls her eyes and responds, “Then find a friend with benefits.”

My friends and I are all active users on different dating apps, and if you’re curious about how that’s going, the blunt truth is that finding a significant other on these platforms feels like searching for treasure in a pile of garbage. It’s not hard to realize that nowadays, if you ask couples how they met, 90% of them would likely say it was either in high school or college. Indeed, school relationships can be some of the purest and most enduring connections in a person's life. Once you step into the wider social circle as an adult, it becomes increasingly rare to meet someone who is willing to take the time to get to know you as an independent individual and accept you as a whole person, with both perfections and flaws. The reality is that in the adult world, everyone is rushing to the next phase of their lives, leading to a collective longing for something quick and easily accomplished.

I wrote an article about the ecology of one of the current mainstream dating apps—Bumble. It took me almost a month to conduct the research, which included designing questions, collecting answers, analyzing data, and forming concrete summaries. While I gathered a large enough sample pool to support my viewpoints and hypotheses, I also found myself worn out by the process. Repeatedly asking different people the same questions and typing template responses made the activity feel tedious and less enjoyable. After completing the article, I took a few days off and began to ponder over the original question: What kind of man do I want to meet on Bumble? Have I seriously considered my romantic relationships? The answer is, "I don't know" and "No."

I want to find a man who is physically attractive, well-educated, ambitious, loving, caring, emotionally stable, and has a good sense of humor. However, I couldn't help but wonder: if this kind of high-quality man is extinct on dating apps, do I need to lower my expectations? When I was new to Bumble, I primarily focused on finding an attractive face, thereby convincing myself to tolerate those with hollow souls and shallow minds. Over time, I realized that a gorgeous face paired with an empty head filled only with thoughts of sex and hookups could only temporarily satisfy my hormonal impulses. I discovered that an interesting soul and mind far outweigh the significance of appearance.

Sometimes, words cannot explain the magical connections and chemistry that develop with certain strangers. Your heart races, and those unnoticed smirks signal that shared interests in movies, books, and hobbies draw you closer and create intimacy. It's in these moments that you become aware that his inadequate height, imperfect facial proportions, or ethnicity fade from your mind. When I reflect on today's dating market, I find myself in a more autonomous and open state, free from impending needs or expectations. Once, my friend asked if I had ever planned when to get married. I replied, "No. Since I do not plan to have children and I am not inclined to make long-term life plans, questions like when to get married, when to build a home, and when to have kids do not concern me. I prefer a long-lasting relationship that does not end with marriage." (谈一场永不结婚的恋爱)

Speaking of which, I am so grateful to my parents, who are always open-minded and supportive of my important life decisions. Even though I have not made any progress in my personal relationships so far, I have gained invaluable insights about sex and relationships. I have conversed with significant individuals from diverse social backgrounds, ethnicities, personalities, mindsets, and values, which has made me more aware of the kind of relationships I need.

**Friendship**

As an INFP, I do not need to be surrounded by friends 24/7. Instead, I appreciate having some alone time to engage in personal reflection and rituals. As my social experiences increase and my horizons expand, my understanding and perception of friendships begin to shift. In high school, I viewed friendship as a group of people who went to the bathroom together after class, holding hands and gossiping during breaks. In college, I saw friendship as a group of people who went shopping and skipped morning lectures together, maybe sharing love stories along the way. After graduation, I came to see those I can confide in as my true friends. On a superficial level, this means we share overlapping interests, hobbies, and values. On a deeper level, it signifies that I am comfortable sharing my true self with them, regardless of feelings such as happiness, sadness, anger, disappointment, desperation, failure, victory, sloppiness, or glory. Fortunately, I have three closest friends who each play different roles in my life now.

One friend has been with me since we were in junior school, but we lost contact for a while after attending different high schools. After graduating high school, I wrote her a long letter because that's when I realized how precious and irreplaceable she was in my life. We both work in Beijing now; she is pursuing her dream of being a high school English teacher, while I work in digital advertising. We rarely see each other since she is preoccupied almost every day, busy preparing for classes and reviewing students' homework.

We come from completely different family backgrounds, have different life goals, personalities, and interests. You might be curious why we still remain good friends. Let me describe her: she is a hardworking, diligent, pragmatic, unadorned, and warm-hearted girl who has every important life step planned out in advance, including which university to attend, which major to choose, which career path to pursue, when to get married, and how many kids to have. In a word, she is "the perfect girl" that almost every Chinese parent wishes their child would become.

On the contrary, I am "the rebellious girl" that many Chinese families try to tame, as I have many uncontrollable variables in my life that go against the Asian convention of "staying on the rails" for women. I enjoy fashion, freedom, gallivanting, fancy and sparkling things, clubs, coffee, and sometimes swearing—all of which do not conform to Chinese society's definition of a "good girl." Despite our drastic differences, I still enjoy being around her. Both of us recognize the significant differences in our family financial situations, but it has never become a sensitive or taboo topic throughout our friendship. Sometimes, she even self-mocks, saying, "Hey, you don't even need to work that hard since you've got your family to back you up, but I am really on my own the whole time." Her genuineness, sincerity, and straightforwardness create a sense of equality in our relationship. At the same time, since she is already in a stable long-term relationship with her boyfriend, she is mostly preoccupied with schoolwork. The topics we discuss during our meetups typically revolve around "taking good care of our bodies," "the differences between being in a relationship and getting married," and "what's your takeaway from different types of parenting."

It's evident that we barely touch on subjects related to my expertise, such as fashion, movies, the best pasta restaurants in Beijing, or the cafes that serve the most amazing coffee and desserts. She lacks the time and energy to enjoy coffee or leisure activities like I do, so to make our conversations more engaging, I need to make some compromises. I don't see this as a "loser move"; rather, I am proud of myself for grasping the essential aspects of managing relationships—whether they are friendships, romantic connections, parent-child dynamics, subordinate-boss interactions, or colleague relationships. People who understand the importance of making meaningful promises can always gain and learn more.

Another friend was my roommate when I studied in Liverpool, and we have built an intimate connection since then. The primary reason I enjoy being around her is that she is so sophisticated; she consistently provides me with insightful epiphanies in every aspect of life. Although I strongly advocate for women's independence, I still enjoy being well cared for by my friends or partners. This allows me the privilege of acting silly, asking foolish questions, and taking their consolation for granted after experiencing mental or physical hurt from people or work. At the workplace, I adopt the character of a "capable and professional businesswoman"; at social gatherings, I play the role of a "social and extroverted" person; and at Bumble meetups, I don a "charming and intelligent" goddess mask. However, when I talk to her or spend time with her, my whole body naturally and automatically shifts to this "naive, childish, adorable, and flaky" mode. I deeply trust that she will never judge me, criticize me, betray me, or mock me—only understand, appreciate, and protect me. This is also why I gave her the nickname "爸比" (Daddy, but not in a kinky way), reflecting how much I trust and rely on her.

If you ask me whether I make compromises in our friendship, I think the answer is no because I am completely at ease when I am with her. I can be 100% myself without worrying that my actions or conversations will make her feel uncomfortable or inferior. I share my doubts and confusions about work with her, confess my struggles and uncertainties regarding my life goals, and also celebrate my victories and highlights with her.

She once sent me an audio message saying, "I feel so lucky to have you as my best friend. I always see you as an actionist who loves to take immediate action whenever an idea pops into your head. I could never act on something so decisively." This struck my heart deeply because I often see myself as a giant procrastinator. However, through her eyes, I am actually an actionist. That moment made me realize the importance of friends: they see you from a different angle, filling you with confidence and encouragement when you doubt or belittle yourself.

The only aspect we hardly mention is her dating life. I find it difficult to describe her in just a few words because she is so versatile and ever-changing. She loves to savor the little joys in life and embraces the cheerful nuances found in tiny decorations, stickers, posters, and even fridge magnets. Additionally, she is one of the most economical people I’ve ever known; she knows every way to acquire what she needs on a tight budget. However, she is also one of the most indifferent and aloof individuals I’ve met when the subject of "dating or relationships" comes up. I’m not exactly sure what her plans are regarding boyfriends, but I choose to respect her choices and understand that not everyone needs a stable relationship to move forward in life. Iove myself when I am with her, and I also love her when she is with me.

My third closest friend is the one who shares the most commonalities with me, including our educational background, family financial situations, values, life attitudes, life goals, and even tastes in men. We met at USC, where we both majored in Global Media and Communications. A mutual friend introduced us since we both expressed interest in finding jobs in the UK after graduation. After our initial conversation at a café in LA, we smoothly transitioned from discussing our job-hunting journeys to sharing dating tidbits. It was unusual for me to connect with someone so quickly. On one hand, I was deeply attracted to her charisma, confidence, vigor, intelligence, and articulate nature. On the other hand, I felt energized when I was with her. Instead of feeling isolated, bored, or motionless, I became more extroverted, self-assured, talkative, and charming. There is an old saying: "You should stay friends with someone who makes you feel good about yourself." It became a routine for us to hang out once or even twice a week. We explored various cafés, beaches, tourist spots, restaurants, and shopping malls in LA. Sometimes, we simply met at the campus library, which created some of the best memories of my time in LA.

After graduation, she returned to China and settled in Beijing. Since I chose to take a short break before officially becoming a "corporate slave," I decided to stay at home and enjoy my special "retirement time" for a while. Even though we were in different cities, we remained in close contact via Instagram and WeChat, sharing updates about work struggles, relationship progress, creamy desserts, and funny gadgets. The next miracle was that I eventually found my ideal job in Beijing as well, which meant we could continue our old ritual of meeting up once a week.

Through her, I see many reflections of myself. The two most outstanding similarities are that we both love exotic and foreign cultures, and we are both driven women with high standards for our quality of life and goals. I cannot deny that we have both been influenced by Western values and cultures after years of education and life experiences in the US and the UK. This influence spans our food habits, mindsets, leisure preferences, and speech patterns. Such commonalities play a significant role in strengthening our relationship, as we have no trouble deciding which Western restaurant to try, which wine or cocktails to pair with our pasta, which tank top matches the club vibe, which culture shocks resonate with us, which chick flicks highlight today's female struggles the most, and which ABC on dating apps is the cutest.

Although we have different interests—like my passion for fashion, stylish items, and entertainment tidbits, and my willingness to spend hundreds or even thousands of RMB on a trench coat or a denim tote bag, while she is more inclined toward statistical and technological knowledge, indicating she would not spend a fortune on fashion items—we are both open-minded and adventurous. We have no problem accepting new elements into our lives.

The same question arises: have I made any compromises in this friendship? Yes, but only a little. Since we have different views on consumerism, I don’t pressure her to watch movies from genres she isn’t interested in or ask her to go shopping with me. It is essential in any relationship to recognize that you cannot expect to share every commonality with someone. Instead, you should focus on and cherish the similarities you do have, rather than the differences.

In the past year, I have gained a deeper understanding of friendship. Throughout our lives, different friends play diverse roles due to their educational backgrounds, environments in which they grew up, and evolving life values. As these factors change, the commonalities we share may increase or decrease accordingly. Back in high school, I often felt frustrated or desperate to revive a seemingly withered relationship by constantly "watering, trimming, and fertilizing" it. However, I now recognize that each individual on this planet exists with independence, meaning we cannot expect to discuss the same topics with the same depth between high school friends and college friends. The reason you remain friends with someone is not necessarily that you are exactly alike, but rather that, despite significant differences, you still share valuable commonalities and connections that can transcend incompatibilities and allow you to coexist. For me, and perhaps for most of us, these links are precious and invaluable, deserving more attention, maintenance, and care. The vitality of friendship is about quality rather than quantity.

**Self -growth**

At the end of this article, I want to touch upon some breakthroughs I have made in the past year. To be honest, I have not achieved anything that makes me proud: my influencer journey was unexpectedly cut short due to copyright violations, and I simply gave up; my relationship status remains a mystery, leaving me to wonder if I am capable of loving and truly accepting someone in my life; my tendency to overconsume has pushed me to the verge of being broke several times, yet I still choose to splurge money without any financial plans, etc. Alright, I need to stop dwelling on my seemingly failed 2024. In reality, I have made some progress in different areas that I consider acts of bravery, or "jumping out of my comfort zone."

I remember every time I read a celebrity's biography, there is always a chapter centering on "the key shift point in my life." I have never meticulously given it much thought, but I would say that after my parents forced me to go to Liverpool by myself when I was a junior in college, that was the key moment that trained me to become more independent, resilient, brave, adaptable, ambitious, international, and open-minded. The biggest reason for this was my parents' financial and emotional support, which gave me the valuable opportunity to see a wider and more diverse world and experience the inclusivity of another part of the earth.

Another vital turning point in my life was when I declined HKU's offer for Journalism. I decided to pursue my second master's degree in LA, even amidst a severe global pandemic. It was a short year, but during that time, I experienced substantial new encounters that I had never had before. I had my first crush on dating apps; this unexpected presence prompted me to reevaluate my values in relationships and the impact my family has had on me. I genuinely accepted the beauty and sexiness of a woman's body—even though I'm flat-chested, I still have every right to wear things that highlight my classy and outstanding features, such as my long neck, collarbones, and waist. I learned that wearing something revealing does not make us "slutty"; instead, it is an age-old expression to articulate that we have no shame in showing our bodies, and it is not meant to cater to the male gaze—it is simply for our own pleasure. I first encountered the concept of “manifestation,” picturing all the positive affirmations I wish my life would encompass. This can be applied to relationships, education, career, appearance, health, and any other aspects of our lives. The magic happened after I started to act on it; I indeed became more outgoing, confident about my appearance, and expressive. I received many compliments from passengers, the first being from a white man who passed by and quickly whispered, "You are the most beautiful Chinese I've ever seen here." Although it was a bit racist, it still made my day and brings a smile whenever I think about it. Additionally, LA marked a place where I realized that I could hold my liquor pretty well. The first time I got drunk at a somber bar with my best friend, I felt exhilarated and excited because it was a completely new physical experience—my head became dizzy, my whole body started tilting and wobbling, and I found myself uncontrollably sharing complaints about my roommates and offering harsh criticism about a disappointing guy. This brief year also reaffirmed that I am a person who loves to live abroad, experience foreign cultures, and be a contemporary woman refusing to be constrained by traditional Asian values and ideologies.

These influences continue to play an increasingly significant role in my life, affecting how I converse and socialize with others on different occasions, how I dress and speak, the energy I project to those around me, my lifestyle choices, my preferred leisure activities, and the information and knowledge I choose to absorb.

"You definitely give off a foreign and exotic vibe; you must have studied or lived abroad," "Your English is so good for a Chinese person; how did you achieve that?" "You’re considering going back to foreign countries, either the UK or the US, right?" and "You have this independent, fearless, businesswoman energy."

I am glad that, even though I do not actively seek external validation for my self-perceptions, these occasional affirmations from those around me greatly enhance my self-awareness and consciousness. It is impossible to say that I am always composed, assured, and fearless. I feel sweaty and terrified when I need to report to my manager about my achievements, when I am at a large social event surrounded by strangers, when I'm at a club and my friends ask me to strike up a conversation with attractive guys, and especially when I am about to meet the guy I matched with on Bumble as scheduled. All these uncertain and unplanned moments make me panic and overthink. However, one of my life mottos is "Fake it until you make it." Therefore, I always encourage and persuade myself to adopt the persona of a "versatile, capable, and stunning woman," envisioning how I would handle each situation if I were incredibly confident. Typically, this positive psychological suggestion works out well.

Also, thanks to my best friend, an extremely extroverted social person, who always "drags" me to attend alumni parties, including LSE's Summer Party, USC's Thanksgiving Party, and some occasional USC social events since I settled in Beijing this May. I see myself as an intermediate between a loner and a social person, which means I enjoy my personal time doing laundry, watching highly-rated movies, swaying along with music played from my favorite Marshall speaker, sitting at a café doing some people-watching with a cup of oat milk latte in hand, and wandering around the city to explore undiscovered bookstores or boutiques. However, I can also put on my "social girl" mask and start mingling with strangers, transitioning from small talk to deep conversations. As a result, many people do not believe that my MBTI type starts with "I." Does this mean I am actually a chameleon? Well, I guess it's not bad to have some chameleon traits in today's social occasions. The biggest advantage of being a chameleon is that I am neither afraid of doing things alone nor uncomfortable being stuck with a group of strangers. This is not a skill set that you can acquire overnight; instead, it is a growing mindset and self-awareness that evolve along with your experiences, insights, knowledge, horizons, and values.

Another technique for feeling confident and relaxed at social events is how you dress. I have not fully grasped or experienced the essence or power of a fine outfit before, but now I have realized that it doesn’t need to be overly extravagant or eye-catching. Just apply some subtle makeup and dress in your "invincible armor," and you will become the focus of the entire event without even trying hard.

Simple makeup can work wonders: mascara makes your eyes sparkle; lip gloss adds moisture and shine to your lips; and a decent amount of foundation that matches your skin tone helps cover spots or blemishes, giving your face a clean and aesthetically pleasing glow. As for your "invincible armor," always ensure you have outfits that make you feel like a queen in various scenarios: dating, social parties, dining out with friends, and at work. This could be an elegant black dress, a tailored business suit, a stylish top paired with minimal jeans, or a wool cardigan with a well-cut skirt. The key is to choose outfits that enhance and highlight your best features, such as your legs, neck, waist, or collarbones. Having such "invincible armor" to navigate different situations plays an indispensable role in boosting our confidence and easing social anxiety. When we feel good about our physical appearance and are satisfied with how we look, it is the quickest and easiest way to gain self-assurance. This leads to more spontaneous and natural body language and conversational flow. See, I've killed two birds with one stone. Now, I have mastered basic makeup skills and know how to present myself at different social occasions in my best light.

Lastly, I would like to mention another lesson I've learned: the importance of persistence. In today's world, which is bombarded with everything fast—phone messages, short videos, speed dating, fast food, etc.—people no longer have the patience to initiate a project, pursue a hobby, read a book, watch a movie, or even maintain a blog until completion. I have to admit that I am one of those who eagerly wish to see results in a short time. I enjoy writing, but I daydream that one day I could be a famous blogger with millions of readers begging for my life updates, without needing to practice my writing skills every day. I want to improve my spoken English, but I imagine that I can effortlessly speak like a native one day without shadowing American TV series or intentionally mimicking their tones, pronunciations, accents, and intonations. I want to start my own business, but I fantasize that a perfect business idea will simply strike me by accident, without my even trying to learn and observe current market trends. I know all these desires will not come easily without consistent effort and repetition every day. Now, I realize this. Therefore, at the end of 2024, I created a 2025 Vision Board, depicting my ideal life in areas such as Beauty/Body Shape, Career, Content Creation, and Wealth. Meanwhile, I am acutely aware that repeating and persevering in something you love is far more fulfilling than simply acquiring it outright.

To be honest, I engaged in deeper and more sophisticated self-reflection on this year's birthday than ever before. If I hadn't forced myself to spend an entire week completing this article and quickly reflecting on the past year, I might not have realized just how much I have learned and achieved. Wishing myself a Happy Birthday once again and a joyful 2025!